Why We Hold on to Grief and Pain Like They’re Our Best Friends
By Psychic Medium Melissa Henyan
In my years working as a psychic and medium, I've seen countless cases where my clients have been traumatized by life and what I've seen over and over is the feeling of victimhood- of life happening to us and we have no control. Hell, I felt that myself. Before I understood and witnessed how life works FOR US, not against us. I've had some pretty phenomenal pity parties, and I've witnessed a good amount of them too.
We humans have a strange relationship with grief and pain. We cling to them, revisit them, rehearse them, and sometimes even protect them. It’s almost as if pain becomes an old friend we don’t know how to live without.❤️
Let’s unpack why.
GRIEF: The Natural, Sacred Response to Loss
Grief is love with nowhere to go. It’s the heart adjusting to a new reality. It’s the emotional, spiritual, and energetic process of integrating change.
Grief is:
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A normal human response
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A sign of deep love or deep meaning
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A process that moves in waves
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Something that evolves over time
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A teacher, not a punishment
Grief is not meant to be “fixed.” It’s meant to be felt, honored, and allowed to move through the body.
PAIN: The Unprocessed Layers Around Grief
Pain is what happens when grief gets tangled with other emotions we haven’t faced. Pain is the resistance, not the grief itself.
Pain Becomes Familiar — and Familiar Feels Safe
Your nervous system is wired to prefer the familiar, even if the familiar hurts. Predictable suffering feels safer than unpredictable healing.
Pain becomes a routine. A rhythm. A place your system knows how to navigate.
It’s not healthy, but it’s familiar — and the body clings to what it knows.
Pain Becomes Part of Your Identity
This is the shadow archetype of the Grief Keeper. When you’ve carried pain long enough, it weaves itself into your story:
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“I’m the one who was betrayed.”
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“I’m the one who lost everything.”
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“I’m the one who survived.”
Letting go of the pain can feel like letting go of the story — and that can feel like letting go of yourself. And that can feel devastating- which adds up to another loss and if you're deep in grief and feeling like you've lost so much, you certainly don't want to lose part of yourself, but that is exactly what happens when losing a loved one- we lose part of ourselves, part of our identity. ❤️
Pain Feels Like Proof That the Experience Mattered
This one is tender. Sometimes we hold onto grief because releasing it feels like betraying the person we lost or the version of ourselves who suffered. This pain gets anchored deep within us- the feeling that if we continue on our journey we're betraying our loved ones. True betrayal is what happens when you do not grow and learn from the experience, allowing it to assist you...not hold you back.
Dare I say this out loud: grief is not proof of love. Love is proof of love.
For most of my life, I believed grief was the price we pay for loving someone deeply. But as I continue my own healing, I’m beginning to see something different—something softer, something truer.
I’m starting to believe that celebrating a soul’s return to its higher self isn’t as wild or “out there” as I once thought. Being human is an honor, yes, but so is the homecoming that happens when the soul returns to its full, expanded state. There is celebration on that side—joy, reunion, remembrance.
But here, in our human bodies, we don’t honor that journey. We mourn the loss instead of acknowledging the transformation. We cling to the absence instead of recognizing the return.
Maybe grief isn’t the cost of love after all. Maybe it’s simply the human heart trying to understand a transition the soul already recognizes as sacred.
Pain doesn’t honor the past — presence does. Let me repeat that, PAIN DOES NOT HONOR THE PAST. YOUR PRESENCE DOES.
I've said this many times but it bears repeating: When my son passed and I struggled and struggled with his death scene, he came to me and said, "Mom, you're honoring my death, not my life, by doing that." He asked me to remember the memories, instead of focusing on how he passed. That beautiful tidbit of information set me on the most tremendous path for healing.
I'm personally still not in a place where I celebrate his absence and don't see that happening- ever, but I do try to celebrate his journey more than the loss. I revel in the memories and am so honored to have been his mom.
Pain Becomes a Shield
If you stay wounded, you don’t have to risk being hurt again and this is where we shut down that heart chakra. We think we're protecting ourselves when in fact we're hurting ourselves. If you stay grieving, you don’t have to begin again. If you stay guarded, you don’t have to open. I've watched this unfold for client's time and time again. I've watched people, "Battle Up". That's my non-technical term.
Pain Is Often Unprocessed Emotion, Not True Grief
Most people aren’t actually holding onto grief. They’re holding onto:
- guilt
- regret
- shame
- fear
- unspoken words
- unresolved endings
- the version of themselves they were "before"
The grief is real. But the pain is often the unprocessed layers wrapped around it.
Pain Becomes a Companion When We Don’t Know Who We Are Without It
If you’ve lived with grief for years, it becomes a constant presence. Not a healthy one — but a familiar one.
Letting it go can feel like stepping into emptiness. Like standing naked in front of your own soul. Like beginning again without a map.
That level of vulnerability is terrifying for most people.
The Spiritual Truth
Pain is not your best friend. It’s a messenger. A teacher. A temporary guide.
But it was never meant to be your roommate. It was never meant to define you. It was never meant to stay.
Grief wants to move. Pain wants to be witnessed, not worshipped. Your soul wants to be free.
As we move into next year, may this message meet you at your door. May you receive it with the love and healing intentions put into it. May you see where you're standing now and jump up to where you want to be in 2026.
Much love and light to you all,
Melissa