Suicide and what I know about it

As I sat down to start writing this I realized, I’m going to be all over the place on this topic. So, bear with me here.


Since my son’s suicide, my life has taken twists and turns that I’d never thought possible. I understand things on a level that I did not even know existed. I still often think, “HOLY SHIT I’VE LOST MY DAMN MIND!” – because perceptions I’ve held for over 40 years take some time to shift.  His death forced me into areas of my mind that I’d done an amazing job avoiding for most of my life.


To understand suicide even slightly, is to understand there is so much more than what we see with our eyes. We’re taught to shut out so much - don’t feel, take this pill, don’t eat too much, take this pill, don’t do this, don’t do that, take a pill.  What if … what if we allowed ourselves to feel our emotions and work through them, instead of telling ourselves don’t do that, don’t feel that. What if we tell our little ones, it’s okay to cry! Or, honey, let’s talk about what that feels like for you and let’s help you understand the dynamics of being human.


I think of all of my mistakes as a mom! God I wish every day that I’d listened more to him.  That I’d taken the time to just be with my son, emotionally with him.  I was so shut off.  I tried to be the rallier, you can do it; honey, you’re amazing, you’re this, you’re that…but I could not just set and listen. FUCK.  


After my son died, people asked, “Did he go to hell, do you think he went to heaven, is he being punished?”  At the time, I knew in my heart that “my God” would never punish him for being unable to deal with his pain.  But I was yet to have those answers.  The beauty of what would later happen in my life was so fucking profound.  I had already begun to “Awaken” before he died, but his death threw me into overdrive. 


So, this is what I know since working as a medium, visiting with those who’ve crossed from suicide and visiting with my son and with the endless hours researching the subject:


We are not humans living Spiritual lives, but we’re Spirits: souls, living a physical existence. We’re here on earth to learn, to feel, to express.  We’re all extensions of one another. I know, I know…BULLSHIT.  But trust me on this…better yet, meditate and visit with your guides.


I believe we have a reason for incarnating here.  We come with a plan and things to learn and we make soul agreements with those we incarnate with.  Sometimes those plans look better when we’re planning our next venture because sometimes, they’re downright difficult.  I did have a regression after my son’s death to find out what our soul contract was. I needed to know why I agreed to this pain. Keep in mind, what we’re learning may or may not benefit us in this existence, but it does benefit our soul.


We also come into this life with exit points. Now I’m still learning about these, but in my son’s case, this was a predetermined exit point.  And the interesting thing about his suicide is that for his entire life I had been overly controlling and fearful any time that he would leave the house.  Now that tells me my soul knew this was an option for him and I had agreed to it prior to incarnating.


As humans it’s incredibly difficult to think that we could benefit on any level from something so awful.  But what if those things happen to move us to a realization to be kinder to everyone?  What if it’s possible that they awaken us to a deeper knowing?


After my son died, I was lying in bed, just a few months or so after, and as I drifted off to sleep, I had a visitor- a “Spirit” - or “Angel”, if you will.  I was told that my son was okay and this Spirit gave me information on where my son was in the process.  Now please know, they have NO time, but I was made to feel like it was a few months’ time (human time, of course). He was working through all that had occurred and had not occurred in his life- And it was as if he’s achieved a certain level in his own ascension.

Pretty crazy stuff huh!?


Okay, if any of that made any sense…THANK GOD.  Because it feels like a bunch of rambling.

Let’s boil it down to what I know in a nutshell:

  • There is no hell. We are not sent to be tortured because we weren’t able to withstand our own pain.  We are valued for ourselves. Good and bad decisions, too. 
  • Even those who’ve created tremendous pain. Yea, I know. We want them to be tortured- again, that’s a human emotion.   
  • We do have a life review.
  • When you pass and are greeted by Spirit, you are then assisted through your review where you see your lessons, where you did things well, where you learned, where you could have done more, and you also see your failures and your pains.
  • Please know, even failures help us to learn.
  • Suicide leaves those left behind with the pain.
  • Exit Points: Do those have to be chosen?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!
  • Are they sometimes? YES.
  • The true tragedy is to those souls left behind to make sense of the loss. To deal with the emotional pain of no longer having that person to hold, to hug, to talk to, to see.

If you’ve lost someone to suicide, please know, they are not in hell. They are very much continuing their purpose, but from the Spiritual side.


If you are contemplating suicide, am I saying it’s okay? FUCK NO!  What I’m saying, is, it’s understandable when you have so much pain and feel like there is no way out.  But when you can sit with the pain and realize, it does not last forever, you may be temporarily stuck, but it’s not a forever stuck. I don’t have enough experience to guide you through that, but I can tell you, contact someone who will just listen. Write down everything you feel. Be honest. BREATHE.  I’ll post a link to some videos that might be helpful. Please feel free to reach out to me if you find yourself wanting to end it. I will direct you to some resources that I feel can assist you without filling you full of bullshit terms that won’t help you. 


Please know you are loved. ALWAYS.


My son says, “Mom, tell them there are better ways to deal with it. Don’t do it man.” And he does in fact, now assist those who’ve crossed unexpectedly.  Maybe I can increase my ability and channel that someday.


Here's a link for you: